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令人噴飯的經(jīng)典英語(yǔ)笑話
上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
兩個(gè)小男孩在他們的祖父母家過(guò)夜。睡覺(jué)時(shí)間到了，這兩個(gè)小男孩跪在床上祈禱。弟弟用非常大的聲音祈禱著，“我祈求有一輛新自行車……我祈求有一個(gè)新游戲機(jī)……我祈求有一個(gè)新錄像機(jī)……”
他的哥哥用胳膊肘輕輕地碰了他一下，說(shuō)：“你為什么這么大聲地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聾子。”
弟弟聽(tīng)了回答道：“上帝是不聾，可奶奶聾呀!”
The Use of a Handsaw
At the mall, my wife and I picked up some hardware items, including a handsaw. We were heading back to the car when we passed a steakhouse.
Let's try it. " my wife suggested. Although I felt a little foolish carrying the saw, I followed her inside.
Scanning the menu, my wife told the waitress, " I' 11 have chopped sirloin, please.
The waitress turned to me, eyed my saw and commented, "And I see that. you, sir, have come for our T-bone special.
在集市上，我和妻子買了一些五金用品，包括一個(gè)手鋸。我們返回汽車時(shí)剛好路過(guò)一家牛排店。 “我們嘗嘗吧，”我妻子建議說(shuō)。盡管我覺(jué)得拿著鋸有點(diǎn)傻乎乎的，但還是隨她走了進(jìn)去。 我妻子掃視了一下菜單對(duì)女招待說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)給我來(lái)一份炒牛腰片。” 女招待轉(zhuǎn)向我，看了看我的鋸，說(shuō)道：“我能看出，先生，你是來(lái)吃我們的T形骨特色菜的。”
你爸爸幫你了嗎?
One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right.
The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised.
He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim."
一天，蒂姆的數(shù)學(xué)老師看了他的作業(yè)，發(fā)現(xiàn)他全做對(duì)了。
老師很高興，同時(shí)也十分驚訝。
他把蒂姆叫到桌前說(shuō)："蒂姆，你這次的作業(yè)全都做對(duì)了，怎么回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎?"
"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做。"
怎么把口香糖取出來(lái)呢
How do I get the gum out? Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?
怎么把口香糖取出來(lái)呢當(dāng)空中小姐給乘客們發(fā)口香糖的時(shí)候，她解釋說(shuō)口香糖有助于他們防止耳鳴。飛機(jī)著陸后，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說(shuō)道：“ 我馬上就要見(jiàn)到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖從耳朵里面取出來(lái)呢?”
A Blind Beggar
There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money. A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine. The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry, I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.
在路邊一個(gè)盲人乞丐戴著墨鏡在街上行乞。一個(gè)醉漢走過(guò)來(lái)，覺(jué)得他可憐，就扔了一百元給他。走了一段路，醉漢一回頭，恰好看見(jiàn)那個(gè)盲人正對(duì)著太陽(yáng)分辨那張百元大抄的真假。醉漢過(guò)來(lái)一把奪回錢道：“你不想活了，竟敢騙老子!” 盲人乞丐一臉委屈說(shuō)：“大哥，真對(duì)不起啊，我是替一個(gè)朋友在這看一下，他是個(gè)瞎子，去上廁所了，其實(shí)我是個(gè)啞巴。”“哦，是這樣子啊!”于是醉漢扔下錢， 又搖搖晃晃地走了……
老師哭了
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on(溺愛(ài)，寵愛(ài)) him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(亂發(fā)脾氣) . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door. "Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? Did you cry?""Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養(yǎng)。他的父親知道這一點(diǎn)，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學(xué)才離開(kāi)祖母的懷抱。約翰放學(xué)了，他奶奶在門口接他并問(wèn)道：“學(xué)校怎么樣?你過(guò)的好嗎?哭了沒(méi)有?”“哭?”約翰問(wèn)，“不，我沒(méi)哭，可老師哭了。”
Goodbye, Money
On a trip to Disney World
in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."
迪斯尼之旅 弗羅里達(dá)州的迪斯尼樂(lè)園是一個(gè)迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個(gè)孩子前往旅游，我們?nèi)硇牡爻磷碓谒母鞣N奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我們要回家了。
當(dāng)我們驅(qū)車離開(kāi)時(shí)，兒子揮手說(shuō)：“再見(jiàn)，美奇。”
女兒揮著手說(shuō)，“再見(jiàn)，美妮。”
丈夫也有氣無(wú)力地?fù)]了揮手，說(shuō)道：“再見(jiàn)，美元。”
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A preacher is buying a parrot 傳教士買鸚鵡
A preacher is buying a parrot
Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.
Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.
Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.
Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?
I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.
一個(gè)傳教士在買鸚鵡
“你確信它不會(huì)尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎?”傳教士問(wèn)。
“哦，絕對(duì)不會(huì)。它是一只虔誠(chéng)的鸚鵡。”店主保證說(shuō)。
“你看見(jiàn)它腿上的這些細(xì)繩了嗎?當(dāng)你拉動(dòng)右面的這根，它會(huì)背誦天主經(jīng)，當(dāng)你拉動(dòng)左面的那根，它會(huì)背誦贊美詩(shī)”
“太棒了!”傳教士說(shuō)，“但是如果我同時(shí)拉動(dòng)兩條繩子，會(huì)發(fā)生什么呢?”
“我會(huì)從樹(shù)干上掉下去的，你這個(gè)笨蛋!”鸚鵡尖聲說(shuō)道。
What Was It She Wanted?
A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.
一個(gè)商店經(jīng)理聽(tīng)見(jiàn)一個(gè)店員對(duì)顧客說(shuō)：“不，夫人，這會(huì)兒沒(méi)有，一時(shí)半會(huì)兒看來(lái)也不會(huì)有。”經(jīng)理驚恐萬(wàn)分地跑到顧客跟前說(shuō)：“當(dāng)然，馬上就會(huì)有的。我們上周訂了貨。”然后經(jīng)理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬(wàn)，千萬(wàn)，千萬(wàn)不要說(shuō)我們沒(méi)有什么——說(shuō)我們已經(jīng)訂了貨，貨馬上就到�，F(xiàn)在你說(shuō)她要買什么?” “雨，”店員說(shuō)。
Where It Should Be Plugged
A mother is very good at using every chance to educate his son, who was only three years old. One day, she took a plug and said to her son, " Look, there are two pieces of copper, so it must be plugged in a place where there are two holes. Where do you think it should be plugged?" She waited for an answer expectfully .
"Plug in nose." is the answer.
一位母親十分善于利用每一個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)對(duì)孩子進(jìn)行教育。她的兒子只有三歲。一天，她拿著一個(gè)插頭對(duì)兒子說(shuō)：“看，這里有兩個(gè)銅片，那它一定要插在有兩個(gè)孔的地方。你說(shuō)它應(yīng)該插在哪兒呢?”母親期待著兒子的回答。
“插在鼻子里!”兒子回答說(shuō)。
One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result." Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late." At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
一架747客機(jī)正在跨越大西洋時(shí)，喇叭里傳來(lái)了機(jī)長(zhǎng)的聲音：“旅客們請(qǐng)注意，我們的四個(gè)引擎中有一個(gè)丟失了。但剩下的三個(gè)引擎會(huì)把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時(shí) 。” 過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，旅客們又聽(tīng)到機(jī)長(zhǎng)的聲音：“各位，你們猜怎么啦 ?我們剛又掉了第三個(gè)引擎。但請(qǐng)你們相信好了。只有一個(gè)引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個(gè)小時(shí)了。” 正在這時(shí)，一位乘客非常氣憤地說(shuō)：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們?cè)俚粢粋�(gè)引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
馬克·吐溫
On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard.But there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen.Theplacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it.
有一次，馬克·吐溫從紐約起程抵達(dá)倫敦訪問(wèn)，《星報(bào)》認(rèn)為這個(gè)消息值得登在它的晚招貼上。但是，還有一條消息也要登上：關(guān)于愛(ài)斯科杯被盜的消息。招貼是這樣寫(xiě)的： 馬克·吐溫 光臨 愛(ài)斯科杯 被盜 我們相信，馬克·吐溫從來(lái)也沒(méi)聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)這件事。
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