幽默英語(yǔ)笑話小故事

　　He is really somebody他真是一個(gè)大人物

　　My uncle has 1000 men under him.

　　He is really somebody. What does he do?

　　A maintenance man in a cemetery.

　　我叔叔下面有1000個(gè)人。

　　他真是一個(gè)大人物。干什么的?

　　墓地守墓人。

　　Boss's idea

　　When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

　　Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.

　　Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

　　"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."

　　由于我的打印機(jī)不能打印出清晰的字來(lái)，我就打電話給維修部。電話是一位非常和藹的男人接的，他說(shuō)我的打印機(jī)也許只是需要清理一下。

　　他還說(shuō)，如果讓維修部清理的話要交50英鎊的清理費(fèi)，讓我最好看看使用手冊(cè)自己試著清理。

　　當(dāng)時(shí)我真的被他的話感動(dòng)了，就問(wèn)他：“你們老板知道你這樣拒絕生意么?”

　　“事實(shí)上，這就是我們老板的主意，”雇員答道：“因?yàn)槿绻�我們讓用戶先自行修理打印機(jī)的話就能掙更多的錢。”

　　誰(shuí)欠誰(shuí)錢

　　A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.

　　律師的狗，沒(méi)有拴而到處閑逛，它來(lái)到一家肉店，偷走了一塊 烤肉。店主來(lái)到律師的辦公室，問(wèn)道“如果一條沒(méi)栓的狗從我的商店里偷了塊肉，我有權(quán)利從狗的主人那里要回?fù)p失嗎?律師答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗沒(méi)栓而且今天從我的店里頭了塊肉”，律師什么都沒(méi)說(shuō)，馬上給他寫了一張支票。一些天后，店主打開(kāi)郵箱，發(fā)現(xiàn)一封來(lái)自律師的信，信上寫 道：咨詢費(fèi)250美元。

　　婚禮上有長(zhǎng)官在

　　A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain.""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back.""But ,officer, I ….""I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

　　大街上的一個(gè)超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。“但是警官”這個(gè)人說(shuō)道，“我可以解釋的”。“保持安靜”，警察突然說(shuō)道。“我將把你送往監(jiān)獄，直到長(zhǎng)官回來(lái)。“但是，警察，我……”。“我說(shuō)過(guò)了保持安靜，你要到監(jiān)獄了。”幾小時(shí)后，警察向監(jiān)獄里看了看說(shuō)道“算你運(yùn)氣好，因?yàn)槲覀兊拈L(zhǎng)官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個(gè)愉快的心情回來(lái)的。”“你確定”在牢房里的這個(gè)人說(shuō)道。“我就是新郎呀”。

　　哪有人能彎腰彎那么低的

　　Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

　　我們的餐廳經(jīng)理是一位深受大家愛(ài)戴，和藹而又快樂(lè)的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提--他的身高。或者，我應(yīng)該說(shuō)，他是有點(diǎn)矮!一天，經(jīng)理怒氣沖沖地撞門而入，高聲說(shuō)，“有人拿了我的錢包!”

　　我和其她大部女招待都沒(méi)敢吱聲，但有人卻蹦出一句話：“哪有人能彎腰彎那么低的啊”!

　　The Monkey

　　A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

　　一男子去酒吧，點(diǎn)了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。當(dāng)他環(huán)視酒吧時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)一只猴子蕩下來(lái)，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。該男子問(wèn)酒吧招待，這只猴子是誰(shuí)的。服務(wù)員回答說(shuō)是鋼琴手的。男子走到鋼琴手面前問(wèn)：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒嗎?”鋼琴手回答說(shuō)：“沒(méi)有，但是如果你能哼唱，我會(huì)為你演奏的。”

　　絕配

　　A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

　　Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

　　Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son."Dad, “says the son, there’s something I’ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

　　"Son”, the father replies, I painted the vase."

　　一個(gè)富有的主婦很是驕傲因?yàn)樗�收藏了一件非常有價(jià)值的古董花瓶，于是她決定把臥室粉刷成與花瓶同樣的顏色。許多油漆匠都試圖盡力與花瓶的顏色匹配，但是沒(méi)有任何人能做得 讓那古怪的女人滿意的。

　　一個(gè)油漆匠很自信他能做到，最終他成功了。那個(gè)主婦很滿意，于是這個(gè)油漆匠也變得很出名。

　　多年以后，油漆匠要退休了，他把自己的生意交給兒子去經(jīng)營(yíng)。“爸爸”兒子問(wèn)“我還有些事情想知道，你怎么能把墻粉刷得和花瓶的顏色那么相配?”“兒子”爸爸回答到“我只不過(guò)是把花瓶刷了。”

　　I didn't know that I was so far back already

　　A big battle was going on during the First World War.Guns were firing， and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere.After an hour of this， one of the soldiers decidedthat the fighting was getting too dangerous for him， so he leftthe front line and began to go away from the battle. After hehad walked for an hour，he saw an officer coming towardshim. The officer stopped him and said，“ where are you going?” “I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battlethat's going on behind us， sir，” the soldier answered. “Do you know who I am?” the officer said to him angrily.“I'm your commanding officer.” The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said，“My God，I didn't know that I was so far back already!”

　　第一次世界大戰(zhàn)期間，一場(chǎng)大戰(zhàn)役正在進(jìn)行。槍炮轟鳴，炮彈和子彈到處亂飛。這樣過(guò)了一個(gè)小時(shí)后，一個(gè)士兵認(rèn)定戰(zhàn)斗對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)變得太危險(xiǎn)了，所以他離開(kāi)前線開(kāi)始逃離戰(zhàn)場(chǎng)。步行了一個(gè)小時(shí)之后，他看見(jiàn)一個(gè)軍官向他走過(guò)來(lái)。那軍官叫住他說(shuō)：“你要到哪兒去?” “長(zhǎng)官，我正盡可能遠(yuǎn)地躲開(kāi)我們身后正在進(jìn)行的戰(zhàn)役，”士兵回答說(shuō)。 “你知道我是誰(shuí)嗎?”軍官生氣地對(duì)他說(shuō)：“我是你的指揮官。” 那士兵聽(tīng)到此話感到非常驚訝，說(shuō)：“天哪，我想不到我已經(jīng)往回跑了這么遠(yuǎn)了!”

　　吝嗇鬼的聚會(huì)

　　The Mean Mans Party

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　吝嗇鬼的聚會(huì)

　　一個(gè)聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請(qǐng)一次客了。他在向一個(gè)朋友解釋怎么找到他家時(shí)說(shuō)：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開(kāi)了后，再用你的腳把門推開(kāi)。”

　　“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會(huì)空著手來(lái)吧?”

　　Older Goats in America美國(guó)老羊

　　A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.

　　She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"

　　A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

　　一群美國(guó)人乘長(zhǎng)途汽車在荷蘭旅游。他們?cè)谝粋�(gè)奶酪場(chǎng)停下來(lái)。一位年輕的導(dǎo)游帶他們參觀了奶酪制作的全過(guò)程，解釋說(shuō)用的是羊奶。 她指給這群人一個(gè)美麗的山坡，山坡上許多羊在吃草。對(duì)這些，她解釋說(shuō)，是放逐草地的老羊，它們已不能再產(chǎn)奶。她然后問(wèn)道：“在美國(guó)你們?cè)鯓犹幚砝涎蚰?”

　　一位活潑的老紳士回答說(shuō)：“他們讓我們乘車旅行!”

　　問(wèn)問(wèn)你自己的吧

　　Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington.Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor.The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius.Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply.They sallied forth. “What time is it，Bub?They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met. “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply.

　　這是華盛頓的一個(gè)陰冷天。錢普·克拉克正和一個(gè)來(lái)訪的英國(guó)人討論城市的流浪兒，英國(guó)人詳細(xì)地?cái)⑹鲋鴤惗厥教觳诺臋C(jī)智�？死�克宣稱，要是對(duì)方向華盛頓街上任何一個(gè)兒童提任何問(wèn)題，那孩子都會(huì)對(duì)答如流。他們便出發(fā)了。 “什么時(shí)候了，小兄弟?人們說(shuō)你能用鼻子報(bào)時(shí)。” 回答是：“先生，問(wèn)問(wèn)你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”

　　Dream 夢(mèng)想

　　The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

　　"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

　　"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.

　　"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.

　　農(nóng)校的招生辦主任在面試一個(gè)上線的學(xué)生，“你為何要選擇這個(gè)職業(yè)?”他問(wèn)。 “我夢(mèng)想以經(jīng)營(yíng)農(nóng)場(chǎng)來(lái)賺一百萬(wàn)元，就像我父親一樣。”這個(gè)學(xué)生回答說(shuō)。 “你父親經(jīng)營(yíng)農(nóng)場(chǎng)賺了一百萬(wàn)元?”主任驚詫地問(wèn)道。

　　“沒(méi)有，”這位申請(qǐng)人回答道，“他總是夢(mèng)想著賺到這個(gè)數(shù)目。”

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