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英語(yǔ)笑話集中營(yíng)
神父，他有AIDS
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有個(gè)女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢?Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."女孩：昨天，我罵了某個(gè)男人一句：“你這個(gè)狗娘養(yǎng)的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：為什么?他對(duì)你做了什么嗎?Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是說(shuō)像這樣子嗎?(神父伸手摸女孩的胸部)Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：(因?yàn)樯窀傅呐e動(dòng)而有一些害羞)嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是這樣子的話你沒(méi)有理由罵他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脫掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是說(shuō)像這樣子嗎?(神父動(dòng)手脫掉女孩的衣服)Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是這樣子沒(méi)錯(cuò)。Preacher: That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是這樣子你還是沒(méi)有理由罵他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那個(gè)...放到我的...那個(gè)...里面...Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：(奸笑貌)你是說(shuō)像這樣子嗎?(神父和女孩就那個(gè)那個(gè)了)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：(數(shù)分鐘後)喔...是的...就是這樣子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我親愛(ài)的孩子，就算是這樣你還是沒(méi)有理由罵他「你這個(gè)...」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀!Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那個(gè)狗娘養(yǎng)的!!!
我沒(méi)有看到另外一塊
Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.
媽媽?zhuān)杭s翰尼，我今天早上在櫥子里放了兩塊點(diǎn)心�，F(xiàn)在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎?約翰尼：嗯，我想是因?yàn)槔锩嫣谖覜](méi)看到另外那塊。
魔鬼的妹夫
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
一位婦人發(fā)現(xiàn)丈夫回家的時(shí)候總是爛醉如泥，她決定為丈夫治好這個(gè)毛病。一個(gè)萬(wàn)圣節(jié)夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戲服，躲在樹(shù)后，準(zhǔn)備在丈夫返家時(shí)攔截他的去路。
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
當(dāng)丈夫走近時(shí)，她從樹(shù)后跳出來(lái)，站到他面前，頭上帶著紅色的羊角、身后有長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的尾巴，手中握著鋼叉。
"Who are you?" he asked.
“你是誰(shuí)?”丈夫問(wèn)到。
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
“我是魔鬼!”她回答到。
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫說(shuō)，“我娶了你的姐妹!”
最丑的孩子?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱著她的寶寶上公交車(chē)，司機(jī)看到后說(shuō)：“額，那是我這輩子見(jiàn)過(guò)的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到車(chē)廂后面坐下，感到很憤怒。她對(duì)旁邊的男士說(shuō)：“司機(jī)剛剛羞辱了我。”男士回應(yīng)說(shuō)：“你快上去斥責(zé)他。去吧，我替你抱著你的猴子。”
A Man of Actions
A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”
A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.
Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”
He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”
一群學(xué)生聚在牛津的校園里，一個(gè)年輕人情緒激動(dòng)地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那個(gè)家伙不收回他今早 對(duì)我說(shuō)的話，我今晚就離開(kāi)牛津。”
下面一片喧嘩。“真是個(gè)言出必行的人。”一個(gè)人艷羨地說(shuō)。另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“我們要支持他、學(xué)習(xí)他。”
突然，一個(gè)女孩問(wèn)道：“那家伙對(duì)你說(shuō)什么了，霍波?”
他彎下腰小聲說(shuō)：“哦，呃…呃…，羅斯小姐，呃…他說(shuō)要我今晚從牛津滾出去。”
If I Am a Manager
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
一天課上，老師要同學(xué)們以“如果我是一個(gè)經(jīng)理”為題寫(xiě)一篇作文。
所有的學(xué)生都在動(dòng)筆寫(xiě)了，只有一個(gè)男生例外。老師走過(guò)去問(wèn)他為什么不寫(xiě)。
“我在等我的秘書(shū)”。那孩子答道。
Isn’t it wonderful?
"What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?"
這難道不好嗎?
“你高興什么?”一個(gè)女士問(wèn)一個(gè)98歲的老人。
“我打碎了一個(gè)鏡子。”他回答。
“但那預(yù)示著7年的壞運(yùn)氣。”
“我知道。”他高興地說(shuō)，“這難道不好嗎?”
Whats time to a pig?
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一個(gè)城市里的游客來(lái)到一個(gè)小鄉(xiāng)村，在鄉(xiāng)間路上開(kāi)著車(chē)，想看看農(nóng)莊是什么樣子，也想看看農(nóng)夫怎樣種田過(guò)日子。這位城里人看見(jiàn)一位農(nóng)夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，并把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹(shù)上的蘋(píng)果。城里人對(duì)農(nóng)夫說(shuō)，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋(píng)果的，但是，這不是很浪費(fèi)時(shí)間嗎?"那位農(nóng)夫 回答說(shuō)，“時(shí)間對(duì)豬有什么意義?”
我和老師的故事
Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?
老師：湯姆!約翰!你倆今天為什么遲到了!
Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.
湯姆：老師，我一直在找我丟失的一美元硬幣。
Teachear: John, what about you?
老師：那么你呢，約翰?
John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
約翰：老師，我不能動(dòng)啊，我把他的硬幣藏腳底下了。
再見(jiàn)
Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: "where shall we go?" The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"
兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問(wèn)：“我們要去哪里?” 第一顆番茄沒(méi)有回答，第二顆番茄又問(wèn)了一次。 第一顆番茄還沒(méi)回答，所以第二顆番茄又問(wèn)了一次。 第一顆番茄終于慢慢轉(zhuǎn)頭說(shuō)：“我們不是番茄嗎?我們會(huì)說(shuō)話嗎?”
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."
迪斯尼之旅 弗羅里達(dá)州的迪斯尼樂(lè)園是一個(gè)迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個(gè)孩子前往旅游，我們?nèi)硇牡爻磷碓谒母鞣N奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之后，我們要回家了。
當(dāng)我們驅(qū)車(chē)離開(kāi)時(shí)，兒子揮手說(shuō)：“再見(jiàn)，美奇。”
女兒揮著手說(shuō)，“再見(jiàn)，美妮。”
丈夫也有氣無(wú)力地?fù)]了揮手，說(shuō)道：“再見(jiàn)，美元。”
Goldfish 金魚(yú)
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚(yú)。
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
弗雷德：你想在哪兒養(yǎng)它們?
Stan: In the bathroom.
斯丹：浴室。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時(shí)怎么辦?
Stan: Blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!
斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛!
I am acting like a lady 我要表現(xiàn)得像一位女士
One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.
一天，一家百貨公司的女裝大減價(jià)，一位高貴的中年男士想給他的太太挑選一件女裝。但是，沒(méi)過(guò)多久，他就發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已被瘋狂的女人們撞得踉踉蹌蹌。
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.
他竭力地忍耐著。后來(lái)，他低下頭，揮舞雙臂，擠過(guò)人群。
"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
“你干嘛?”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現(xiàn)得像一位紳士嗎?”
"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
“聽(tīng)著，”他說(shuō)。“我已經(jīng)像紳士一樣表現(xiàn)了一個(gè)小時(shí)了。從現(xiàn)在起，我要表現(xiàn)得像一位女士。”
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