精品英語笑話，讓學(xué)英語變得不無聊
●太晚了 It's Too Late
A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient. He promptly replied: "Five grains."
A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer?" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late. Your patient died thirty seconds ago."
一個醫(yī)科學(xué)生被要求說明他給病人服的那種藥的用量。他立即回答道：“五粒。”
一分鐘后，這個學(xué)生問教授：“我可以改正我的回答嗎?”教授看看手表，說：“太晚啦，你的病人已在30秒鐘以前死了。”
●因禍得福 To Profit from a Misfortune
A man was a butterfingers. He had been suffering from unemployment for months.
At last he found a job in a chinaware house. He had worked only a few days when he dropped a large vase.
The manager summoned him to the office and told him that money would be deducted from his wages every week until the vase was paid for. He asked: "How much did it cost?" "Five hundred dollars." said the manager. "Oh, that's wonderful," he said happily, "I'm so happy that I have got a steady job at last."
有一個人很粗心，老是打爛東西。他已失業(yè)好幾個月了。
最后他在一個瓷器店找到了一個工作�？墒遣鸥闪藥滋欤痛驙�了一個很大的花瓶。
經(jīng)理把他到辦公室去，告訴他每個星期都要扣他的工錢，直到賠償夠了為止。他就問：“那個花瓶值多少錢?”經(jīng)理說：“值500美元。”他很高興地說：“啊!太妙了，我非常高興，終于有個穩(wěn)定的工作啦。”
●我干得怎么樣 How did I do
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"
一名新警察與老警察開著警車第一次出去巡邏。 他們得到命令去疏散一群閑逛的人，于是他們開車去了那條街，看到路口站著一群人。
新警察搖下窗戶：“大家注意了，快離開這里。”人們看了他幾眼，沒理他。他喊起來：“離開這里，馬上離開!”大家都不知道怎么回事，但是在他的威脅下還是離開了。
新警察對他第一次執(zhí)行公務(wù)的結(jié)果很滿意，對老警察說：“我干得怎么樣?”“你做得很好，”老警察笑著說，“尤其是在公共汽車站。”
●我可以回家了
●Now i can go home
One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question.I'll permit him or her to go home earlier.” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed.He was very angry and asked，“Who did it?Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good-bye，Sir! ”
●我 可 以 回 家 了
一天，放學(xué)以后，老師對他的學(xué)生們說：“明天上午，如果你們當(dāng)中的任何一個同學(xué)能回答我的第一個問題，我就準許他或她最先回家。”第二天，老師走進教室時發(fā)現(xiàn)黑板已被亂涂，他非常生氣地問：“誰涂的? 請站起來。”鮑勃說：“先生，是我，現(xiàn)在我可以回家了，再見。”
●Cry
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
“湯姆，你弟弟怎么了?” 媽媽在廚房里問。“他在哭。”
“沒事兒，媽媽，”湯姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。”
“他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么?”
“是的。”“我?guī)退酝陼r，他也哭了。”
●可憐的男人
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
一個男人坐在酒吧里，傷心至極。
酒吧招待：“你怎么了?跟老婆鬧矛盾了?”
男人：“我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話。”
酒吧招待：“那你應(yīng)該高興才是啊!”
男人：“不，今天是這個月的最后一天。”
●太黑了，看不見
After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, "Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."
晚飯后，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：“寶貝，去看看廚房里的燈是不是還開著呢?” 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：“媽，廚房里太黑了，我根本就看不見。”
●One real man
The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely(嚴格地，嚴厲地).
Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel(勸告，建議) to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right.
It's good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted(膽小的) dunces(傻瓜) why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.
Your Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.
●一個真正的男子漢
古代有一個國王，他想證明他領(lǐng)土內(nèi)的男人并非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的管制。他把王國里所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。
然后，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側(cè)。所有的男人都站到了左側(cè)，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側(cè)。
國王說：看到我們國家里還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，為什么在他們當(dāng)中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側(cè)。
陛下，那人尖聲地回答：因為在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆。
●萬能的圣誕老人并非啥都知道
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
一個女孩爬到圣誕老人的膝蓋上，圣誕老人例行公事的問：“今年圣誕節(jié)你想要什么呢?”
孩子瞪大眼睛驚訝的望著圣誕老人一分鐘都沒講話，然后喘著氣說到：“你沒收到我的電子郵件嗎?(我想要什么都寫上面了，萬能的圣誕老人咋能不知道捏)”
●Psychiatrist 精神病醫(yī)生
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!
杰瑞去看精神病醫(yī)生。“醫(yī)生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了!”“給我一年時間，”醫(yī)生說，“每周來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”杰瑞答道。六個月后醫(yī)生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“為什么你再也沒來呢?”醫(yī)生問。“一次一百塊錢嗎?有個酒吧服務(wù)生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉�，F(xiàn)在那沒人了!”
●兄弟倆的對話 Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父親在哪兒?
兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。
“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀!”
“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢?”
哥哥想了會兒，然后解釋道：“很明顯，他當(dāng)時正在畫這些畫唄。”
●汽車配件 Automobile Fittings
A lorry driver makes inquiry of a mountaineer, "Excuse me, where can I buy the auto accessories(附件) in the neighborhood?"
Mountaineer says, "Some people usually drive heroic car on the road. There is a abrupt turn(急轉(zhuǎn)彎) ahead not far from here, and a clough(深谷) just below it, where you can find all kinds of the auto accessories. You will spend no money at all."
一個卡車司機向一山民打聽：“請問，這附近哪兒能買到汽車配件?”
山民說：“這條路上經(jīng)常有人開英雄車，前面不遠處是個急轉(zhuǎn)彎，急轉(zhuǎn)彎的下面就是深谷，那深谷里什么樣的汽車配件都有——根本用不著花錢。”
●拍賣會上 At Auction Fair
At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.
The owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."
On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子，家伙) shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."
拍賣會上，有人的包丟了，里面裝有重要文件。物主說：“有誰揀到送還，我將拿出200美元以表酬謝。”
話剛出口，就聽有人喊：“我出300美元。”
●The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被出租車撞倒送進了醫(yī)院。他的妻子站在他的床前對醫(yī)生說：“我想他傷得很厲害。”
醫(yī)生說：“恐怕他已經(jīng)死了。”
聽到醫(yī)生的`話，這個男人轉(zhuǎn)動著頭說：“我沒死，我還活著。”
妻子說：“安靜，醫(yī)生比你懂得多。”
●I Don't Need to Steal Any More
The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.“I want no scandal，” saidthe owner.“I'll just fire you.” The employee replied，“True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts， a country mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?”
一家大百貨店的老板在查帳中發(fā)現(xiàn)，他最信任的雇員從公司偷走了一百多萬美元。“我不要丑聞。”老板說。“我只要開除你。”那個雇員回答說：“不錯，我是偷了你公司相當(dāng)一大筆錢�，F(xiàn)在我有游艇、一座鄉(xiāng)村別墅、珠寶，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不需要了，你為什么要再雇個人來，讓他從頭做起呢?”
●合理的憂傷
On his deathbed poor Lubin lies; His spouse is in despair; With frequent sobs and mutual cries; They both express their care. “A different cause，”says Parson Sly， “The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ; His wife，that he may live”.
馬修·普賴厄 可憐的魯賓躺在他的病床里; 他的妻子陷入絕望; 頻頻啜泣，相對哭啼， 他們都表達著憂傷。 “不同原因，”滑頭牧師說， “可產(chǎn)生同樣結(jié)果： 可憐的魯賓怕他會死; 他老婆，怕他會活。”
Compare other things?比一下其他?
Compare other things?比一下其他?
Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name signed.
Mom: You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?
Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.
兒子：媽媽，John有雙喬丹簽名的球鞋。
媽媽：你只關(guān)心這個嗎?不會比一下其它東西?
兒子：有啊，他媽媽比你漂亮。
●What are the Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應(yīng)永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應(yīng)我嗎?
噢，當(dāng)然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞?
【精品英語笑話，讓學(xué)英語變得不無聊】相關(guān)文章：
學(xué)英語幽默笑話07-20
聽笑話，學(xué)地道英語10-18
聽笑話學(xué)英語:Honesty10-09
讀笑話學(xué)英語精選08-02
短篇精品英語笑話06-03
英語翻譯技巧:如何讓譯文變得生動08-20
讓人噴飯的英語笑話11-23
讓孩子開口學(xué)英語08-21
讓孩子輕松學(xué)英語10-13
精品精彩英語笑話大全05-06