最新英語(yǔ)笑話全集
●我丈夫剛進(jìn)來(lái)
The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.
在飯館里坐著一對(duì)夫婦，他們看上去非常高興。但是當(dāng)那女子向旁邊瞥了一眼時(shí)，服務(wù)員馬上跑了過(guò)來(lái)。
“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”
“夫人，您瞧,” 他說(shuō),“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”
“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”
“不，他沒(méi)有,” 她回答,“我丈夫剛從門(mén)外進(jìn)來(lái)。”
●有兩條褲子
A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
丈夫下班回到家里，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的新娘心緒煩亂。“我心里太難受了，”她說(shuō)。“我在給你熨西裝時(shí)把褲子的臀部燒了個(gè)大洞。”
“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“沒(méi)事兒，”丈夫安慰她說(shuō)。“你忘了我這套衣服有兩條褲子。”
“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”
“是的，”妻子高興地說(shuō)，“幸虧你還有一條，我后來(lái)就用它來(lái)補(bǔ)了這個(gè)洞了。”
●死于肝癌的人100%都吃飯
Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of
those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.
妻子：你瞧，根據(jù)這報(bào)上登的統(tǒng)計(jì)數(shù)字，那些死于肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。
Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat
meals.
丈夫：那就不錯(cuò)了。據(jù)我調(diào)查，所有這些人都吃飯呢。
●我是單身漢
Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back.
杰克騎車(chē)摔傷，去醫(yī)院治療。一位年輕美貌的護(hù)士拿著表格讓填。 杰克填好后遞上表格。
"Anything else?"The nurse asked. "Yes," Jack thinks for a while and said "l'm a bachelor."
“還有什么漏填的?”護(hù)士問(wèn)。“有!”杰克想了想說(shuō)，“我是個(gè)單身漢。”
●狗住旅店
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
有個(gè)人給一家他計(jì)劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫(xiě)了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養(yǎng)，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經(jīng)營(yíng)旅館很多年了，狗從沒(méi)偷過(guò)毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫(huà)。我也從沒(méi)有在半夜因?yàn)楣泛茸砗[而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實(shí)際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來(lái)我們旅館，如果它為您擔(dān)保，也歡迎您來(lái)。
●《律師、寶馬和胳膊》
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
一個(gè)律師打開(kāi)他的寶馬車(chē)門(mén)，突然一輛汽車(chē)駛過(guò)來(lái)把門(mén)撞飛了，警察趕到現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛(ài)的寶馬。
“警察同志，看看他們把我的'車(chē)弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說(shuō)。
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
“你們律師真是物質(zhì)至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說(shuō)，“你這么關(guān)心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒(méi)有注意到你的左胳膊也沒(méi)了。”
律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?”
●The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
9月1日， 喬治放學(xué)回到家里。
George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.
“喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎?” 媽媽問(wèn)
I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....
“媽媽?zhuān)也幌矚g，因?yàn)樗f(shuō)3加3得6, 可后來(lái)又說(shuō)2加4也得6。”
●The Fish Net
Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?
“你能告訴我魚(yú)網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安?” 老師發(fā)問(wèn)道。
A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.
“把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚(yú)網(wǎng)了。”小女孩回答道。
●Another 40 Years to live
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
一名中年婦女心臟病突發(fā)被送到了醫(yī)院， 在手術(shù)臺(tái)上，瀕臨死亡之際，她看到了上帝， 于是，她問(wèn)上帝是不是她的日子到頭了。 上帝回答說(shuō)，“還沒(méi)有，你還能活43年，2個(gè)月零8天。” 身體快要康復(fù)的時(shí)候，這名女士想到自己還要活那么多年，得好好對(duì)待自己，于是決定先不出院，而是去給自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后還做了一個(gè)腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美體手術(shù)。 她甚至還請(qǐng)人到醫(yī)院里面幫她頭發(fā)給染了。 做完最后一個(gè)手術(shù)，這位女士出院了， 但就在過(guò)馬路的時(shí)候，她被一輛風(fēng)馳電摯趕回醫(yī)院的救護(hù)車(chē)給撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地問(wèn)上帝，“我記得你說(shuō)我還能再活40年?” 上帝回答，“那個(gè)時(shí)候我沒(méi)認(rèn)出你來(lái)”。
●雙語(yǔ)笑話
In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.
Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.
When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: "Go barefoot."
中學(xué)的時(shí)候，我對(duì)自己的高度非常敏感。
一次，一位救生員約我出去。事實(shí)上，我從未和他并肩站過(guò)，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此約會(huì)那晚，我拿出兩雙鞋，一雙高跟，一雙平跟。我安排哥哥去開(kāi)門(mén)，讓他和救生員比比高度，再上樓告訴我應(yīng)穿哪雙鞋。
門(mén)鈴響了，我在樓上等著。哥哥跑上樓告訴了我一個(gè)不幸的消息：“你可以光著腳去約會(huì)。”
●Is he dying?
A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.
Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.
一個(gè)男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流淚。一個(gè)朋友走進(jìn)來(lái)問(wèn)他為何如此傷心。那人哭著說(shuō)：剛才醫(yī)生告訴我，在我的余生里都要吃這些藥片。
他的朋友很輕松地指出，許多人一輩子每天都要吃藥。當(dāng)然，男人回答說(shuō)：但是他只給了我十片。
●The blonde and the farmer
There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take&n......。
一個(gè)金發(fā)女郎，是那么惡心的黃色笑話她把頭發(fā)染成紅色。笑話停了下來(lái)，她覺(jué)得很好，她在農(nóng)村的一個(gè)搭車(chē)的星期六下午。而在這旅程，她注意到一群羊，停下車(chē)來(lái)把......。
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