新篇英語(yǔ)笑話大全
●The boy and the snails 男孩和蝸牛
A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"
一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)下少年到處尋找蝸牛，當(dāng)他雙手都塞滿了蝸牛后，就準(zhǔn)備點(diǎn)火烤著吃�；瘘c(diǎn)著了，蝸牛也開始感覺(jué)到熱了，他們紛紛退向堅(jiān)殼的深處，同時(shí)還發(fā)出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子聽到了蝸牛發(fā)出的噓聲，便說(shuō)：“你們這些連命都快沒(méi)有的家伙，怎么還能有心情在窩里著火時(shí)吹口哨呢?”
●Don't Argue with Children 不要和小孩爭(zhēng)論
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically1 impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated2 that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
一個(gè)小女孩和她的老師正在談?wù)撚嘘P(guān)鯨魚的事情。
她的老師說(shuō)：“一頭鯨魚從身體構(gòu)造的角度看，是不可能吞掉一個(gè)人的。因?yàn)楸M管鯨魚是一種非常巨大的哺乳動(dòng)物，可它的嗓子非常小。”
那個(gè)小女孩說(shuō)約拿(一位西伯來(lái)先知)就是被鯨魚吞掉的。
她的老師非常生氣，她再次告訴小女孩說(shuō)：“從身體構(gòu)造角度來(lái)講，鯨魚是不可能吞掉一個(gè)人的。”
那個(gè)小女孩說(shuō)：“那等我到了天堂，就去問(wèn)問(wèn)約拿。”
她的`老師問(wèn)：“那么，假如約拿下了地獄怎么辦?”
那個(gè)小女孩回答：“如果是那樣的話，你就去問(wèn)他。”
●A Duel 決斗
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.
It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
小彼得從操場(chǎng)回到家時(shí)，鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。
顯然他剛與人惡斗了一番，而且打輸了。父親問(wèn)兒子發(fā)生了什么事。“噢，爸爸，彼得說(shuō)，我向拉里挑起決斗，而且我讓他挑選武器。”
“嗯，”父親說(shuō)，“這看上去很公平!”
“我知道，但我沒(méi)想到他選擇了他姐姐!”
●Neither 都不是
It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.
At one house a small boy answered the door. "Tell me, young man," said the politician. "Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?"
"Neither," said the child, "she's in the bathroom."
正值當(dāng)?shù)馗?jìng)選時(shí)期，候選人到他的區(qū)域的千家萬(wàn)戶登門拜訪。
候選人來(lái)到了一家門口，一個(gè)小男孩開了門。“告訴我，年輕人，”候選人問(wèn)道，“你母親是在共和黨還是在民主黨?”
“都不是，”孩子答到，“她在浴室。”
●誰(shuí)發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me,Johnny.
老師: 約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。
Johnny: It's there , sir.
約翰尼: 先生，在這兒。
Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
老師: 對(duì)了。薩默，你來(lái)回答是誰(shuí)發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.
薩默: 先生，是約翰尼。
人們什么時(shí)候說(shuō)話最少?
Teacher: What is the plural of man,Tom?
老師: 湯姆，“男人”這個(gè)詞的復(fù)數(shù)形式是什么?
Tom: Men.
湯姆:男人們。
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
老師: 答得好。那“孩子”的復(fù)數(shù)形式呢?
Tom : Twins.
湯姆: 雙胞胎。
●我丈夫剛進(jìn)來(lái)
The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.
在飯館里坐著一對(duì)夫婦，他們看上去非常高興。但是當(dāng)那女子向旁邊瞥了一眼時(shí)，服務(wù)員馬上跑了過(guò)來(lái)。
“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”
“夫人，您瞧,” 他說(shuō),“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”
“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”
“不，他沒(méi)有,” 她回答,“我丈夫剛從門外進(jìn)來(lái)。”
●有兩條褲子
A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
丈夫下班回到家里，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的新娘心緒煩亂。“我心里太難受了，”她說(shuō)。“我在給你熨西裝時(shí)把褲子的臀部燒了個(gè)大洞。”
“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
“沒(méi)事兒，”丈夫安慰她說(shuō)。“你忘了我這套衣服有兩條褲子。”
“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”
“是的，”妻子高興地說(shuō)，“幸虧你還有一條，我后來(lái)就用它來(lái)補(bǔ)了這個(gè)洞了。”
●死于肝癌的人100%都吃飯
Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of
those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.
妻子：你瞧，根據(jù)這報(bào)上登的統(tǒng)計(jì)數(shù)字，那些死于肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。
Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat
meals.
丈夫：那就不錯(cuò)了。據(jù)我調(diào)查，所有這些人都吃飯呢。
●我是單身漢
Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back.
杰克騎車摔傷，去醫(yī)院治療。一位年輕美貌的護(hù)士拿著表格讓填。 杰克填好后遞上表格。
"Anything else?"The nurse asked. "Yes," Jack thinks for a while and said "l'm a bachelor."
“還有什么漏填的?”護(hù)士問(wèn)。“有!”杰克想了想說(shuō)，“我是個(gè)單身漢。”
●狗住旅店
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
有個(gè)人給一家他計(jì)劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養(yǎng)，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經(jīng)營(yíng)旅館很多年了，狗從沒(méi)偷過(guò)毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫。我也從沒(méi)有在半夜因?yàn)楣泛茸砗[而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實(shí)際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來(lái)我們旅館，如果它為您擔(dān)保，也歡迎您來(lái)。
●《律師、寶馬和胳膊》
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
一個(gè)律師打開他的寶馬車門，突然一輛汽車駛過(guò)來(lái)把門撞飛了，警察趕到現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛(ài)的寶馬。
“警察同志，看看他們把我的車弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說(shuō)。
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
“你們律師真是物質(zhì)至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說(shuō)，“你這么關(guān)心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒(méi)有注意到你的左胳膊也沒(méi)了。”
律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?”
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