交朋友英語爆笑笑話

　　Hello, six-year-old child.

　　你好，六歲毛孩。

　　Seeing as how fate has brought us together here, in the crowded coach section of this expensive airplane, I thought I should introduce myself.

　　命運是多么奇妙，讓你我在此相遇。這架飛機很貴，普通艙人也很多，既然遇見你，我想我該介紹下我自己。

　　My name is Amy, and I’m an adult. I suspect that you’re too young to understand what “adult” means, so let me explain. It means that I’m taller than you, and smarter, and that I get to do lots of awesome things, like smoke cigarettes and ovulate. It also means that I like to take naps on airplanes and read my newspaper in silence. These things seem to be very different from the things that you like to do.

　　我的名字叫艾米，我是個成年人。你還太小，我估計你不會懂得“成年人”的意思，讓我告訴你吧。成年人的意思就是我比你高，比你聰明，而且我要做很多很棒的事情，比如抽煙，比如排卵。我還喜歡在飛機上打盹，看報紙也不發(fā)出聲音，這些也是成年人才做的事。這些事情你可能不會想做。

　　I’ve gleaned from its near-constant utterance by the woman sitting next to you—your mother, I suppose, or perhaps a social worker or a federal prisoner who’s being paid to spend time with you—that your name is Timmy. It’s probably Timothy, actually, but people call you Timmy because it’s cuter. Which is appropriate, Timmy, because you’re very cute, you really are. You’re really very fucking cute.

　　我剛才和我身邊的那個女人絮叨了一陣，知道你的名字叫提米。我想，那個女人是你媽吧，也許是個社會工作者，也許是個帶薪和你呆在一起的聯(lián)邦囚犯。也許是提莫斯吧，不過人們還是叫你提米，這個名字更可愛一點。哪個更合適呢，提米?因為你很可愛，你真的很可愛。你真他媽太可愛了。

　　I’m going to drink this cup of coffee—would you like some? I didn’t think so. You’re more of a juice-box man, from what I gather. The way I gather this is by looking at the stain on my ninety-eight-dollar pants, the one you made when you put your juice box there. If I touched your pants, Timmy, I would probably be sent to jail. There are lots of differences between you and me, but that’s one of the big ones: the quality and the seriousness of what happens when we touch other people’s pants.

　　我要喝這杯咖啡了，你要來點嗎?我可不這么認為。從我收集到的信息來看，你會是個窮人。我怎么收集信息的呢，看你在我花了98美元買的褲子上弄的斑點就知道了，這個斑點是你放果汁盒時弄出來的。如果我也弄下你的褲子，我就得進監(jiān)獄。我倆之間有很多不同，其中最大的不同就是：我們碰別人褲子時的性質和嚴重性。

　　You’re not much of a sleeper, are you, Timmy? We’ve just met, but it seems to me like maybe you don’t really enjoy sleeping all that much. In fact, it seems to me that one of your greatest joys in life is wakefulness—and not simply passive wakefulness but the kind of vigorous wakefulness that makes a person like me start to question the very possibility of silence as a condition that can exist in the universe. I can see that I’ve confused you, Timmy, and I apologize; I was only trying to point out that you really seem to enjoy being awake. Let me make it up to you by giving you this modest dose of Ambien. It’s a kind of candy for your soul. Your soul is a kind of mouth that’s inside your brain.

　　你不貪睡，是吧，提米?我們剛遇見，在我看來，你并不真的很喜歡睡覺啊。實際上，你人生最大的樂趣之一就是醒著，不是簡單地消極地醒著，而是充滿活力的醒著。你的這種活力讓像我這樣的人納悶，宇宙間還有個清凈地嗎?我知道，我讓你感到困惑。提米，我向你道歉。我只是想指出，你真地很享受醒著的感覺。給你這顆安必恩吧，吃不吃在你。這是一種為你靈魂準備的糖果。靈魂就是一張嘴，它在你腦袋里。

　　Here comes the nice stewardess lady with a bag for collecting people’s garbage. Would you like me to give her some of the garbage that’s strewn all over your seat—and, if we’re being perfectly honest here, Timmy, all over my seat as well? And, while we’re at it, maybe I could give her this talking doll—the one that sings songs, very loud songs, songs of terrifying and ungodly volume, from that animated movie about adventurous insects. It’s not that I don’t love the doll; it’s just that I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for children to carry such things on airplanes. Have you heard of terrorism, Timothy? That’s why it’s illegal for you to have this doll.

　　有個漂亮乘務員姐姐過來了，她拿了個袋子，是來裝大家的垃圾的。你愿意讓我把你四處扔在自己座位上的.垃圾給些給她嗎?還有，如果咱倆都承認的話，提米，我座位上也全是你扔的垃圾。還有，咱倆都說到這了，也許我可以把你會說話的娃娃也給她?那個娃娃會唱歌，唱得很大聲，唱很嚇人的歌，唱的聲音神都要驚醒，唱的歌還是來自講四處游蕩的害蟲的動畫電影。不是我不喜歡這個娃娃，只是因為我很肯定小孩子將這樣的東西帶到飛機上來時違法的。你聽說過恐怖主義嗎，提莫斯?這就是為什么你帶這個玩具違法的原因。

　　Your whimpering and your dripping facial parts suggest that perhaps this conversation has run its course, so I’ll let you get back to your finger painting, your fidgeting, and your wanton, inexplicable shredding of the in-flight magazine. I’ll be here in my seat, fantasizing about hurtling my childless adult body out of the airplane and into the sky. Enjoy the rest of the flight, Timmy. I’ve really enjoyed sitting next to you. It’s fun to make new friends.

　　從你垂垂欲落淚，嗚咽如有聲的表情來看，咱們的談話該結束了。我會讓你回去繼續(xù)點點戳戳，繼續(xù)東動西動，繼續(xù)玩鬧，繼續(xù)撕機上雜志玩。我還會待在自己的座位上，幻想將自己這沒有小孩的成年人的身體沖出飛機，暢游天空。提米，享受接下來的飛行吧。坐在你身邊，我真的很喜歡。交新朋友真是有趣啊。

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