雅思寫作的完成，不是結(jié)尾段，而是檢查，是自我批改和找他人批改，唯此寫作才可精進。下面是小編為大家整理收集的關(guān)于雅思大作文批改實錄：犯罪增多何解的相關(guān)內(nèi)容，希望對大家有所幫助。

　　題目

　　Now there are more and more crimes all over the world. What are the causes? How to solve the problem?

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have devoted to fighting crime for a long time. In the past, the criminals murdered ,robbed and stole. However , they commit economic crime through the internet now. From my perspective, several reasons probably lead to the rising amount of crime. Simultaneously, a series of solutions can be used to solve the problems.

　　The first cause is that many games or programmes which contain plenty of violence are available on the Internet or on Television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cards or banks and players even can kill pedestrians who just talk with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the global governments. As a result, it is not strange that so many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scene in the games or movies. Governments must strengthen the check of movies in order to reduce the opportunities that may motivate kids to commit a crime.

　　Secondly, people who are not well educated are more likely to commit a crime including robbing and stealing just for living. They have no choice but stealing because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs in the society. It is high time for government to take action and solve this problem. By publicizing the law through the media, people will be afraid of committing a crime. This is one part of the solution while the other part is teaching them skills to help them earn a living.

　　To sum up, I firmly believe that through these methods, the society will become more peaceful in the future.

　　評分：6.5

　　整體評價：總體來說，寫得比較通順。內(nèi)容切題，原因分析有道理，而且論證也比較充分。句子寫作相當(dāng)正確，詞匯也能表達自己的意思。影響得分的問題：(1)個別地方表達比較別扭，(2)個別地方的邏輯存在一定問題，(3)結(jié)尾過于倉促，沒有對前文進行恰當(dāng)總結(jié)。

　　建議：(1)多練習(xí)如何結(jié)尾(如何總結(jié)前文要點，同時又不與第一段的表達重復(fù));(2)繼續(xù)保持目前的句子寫作水平，在語法不錯、句意清楚的前提下盡量注意表達的地道程度(當(dāng)然，這個過程不會一蹴而就的，需要慢慢積累)。只要按照目前的水平寫下去，多寫幾篇，應(yīng)該就能維持在6-6.5分。若想沖擊7分段，需要積累更多語言表達手段。建議你按照目前的樣子先考試，多練習(xí)，改正一些局部錯誤。沖擊7分段放在下一階段，不要盲目使用大詞或者長句子，寫錯了反而弄巧成拙。

　　逐句修訂及說明

　　第1段

　　Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have devoted to fighting crime for a long time. In the past, the criminals murdered ,robbed and stole. However , they commit economic crime through the internet now. From my perspective, several reasons probably lead to the rising amount of crime. Simultaneously, a series of solutions can be used to solve the problems.

　　老雅修改

　　Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have made greater efforts to fight crime. Now there are not only people who murder, rob or steal, but also people who commit economic crime online. There are, of course, many reasons for this negative development, but from my perspective, two of them are probably the most immediate ones. Accordingly, we can take measures to solve the problem.

　　評改說明

　　(1) devote 的正確用法是：devote oneself to doing... / be devoted to doing..., 比如：

　　The government has devoted itself to solving the traffic problem.

　　The government has been devoted to solving the traffic problem.

　　(2) 原文(2)、(3)兩句是來論證第一句“世界上犯罪數(shù)量在增加”這個觀點的，語言錯誤并不大，但給人的感覺好像是在比較過去和現(xiàn)在有不同類型的犯罪，這顯然與前文脫節(jié)了。修改文刪除了原文中比較的意味，表達出現(xiàn)在犯罪的花樣越來越多，這就與第一句的觀點吻合了。

　　(3) 原文several reasons是虛指，按照后文，僅提供了兩個原因，因此，這里要明確，就是兩個原因。在第一段結(jié)尾時，盡量明確，這樣全文的結(jié)構(gòu)才能清楚。

　　(4) Simultaneously 是漢語的“同時”吧?但這里，其實就是“相應(yīng)地”的意思，英文應(yīng)該是accordingly。

　　第2段

　　The first cause is that many games or programmes which contain plenty of violence are available on the Internet or on Television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cards or banks and players even can kill pedestrians who just talk with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the global governments. As a result, it is not strange that so many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scene in the games or movies. Governments must strengthen the check of movies in order to reduce the opportunities that may motivate kids to commit a crime.

　　老雅修改

　　The first reason is that many computer games or movies containing violence are available on the Internet or television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cars or banks and the players even can kill pedestrians talking with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the local governments. As a result, many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scenes in the games or movies. In this case, governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies in order to reduce the opportunities for kids to commit any crime.

　　評改說明

　　本段寫得比較成功，修改較小。其中，governments must strengthen the check of movies, 表達不是很地道，修改為governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies.

　　第3段

　　Secondly, people who are not well educated are more likely to commit a crime including robbing and stealing just for living. They have no choice but stealing because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs in the society. It is high time for government to take action and solve this problem. By publicizing the law through the media, people will be afraid of committing a crime. This is one part of the solution while the other part is teaching them skills to help them earn a living.

　　老雅修改

　　Secondly, people who have not received good education are more likely to commit a crime such as robbing and stealing just for a living. They have no choice because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs. For this kind of people, government ought to, one the one hand, tell them that anyone who commits crimes will be punished, and on the other hand create opportunities for them to learn some survival skills to earn a living.

　　評改說明

　　(1) include是列舉完所有內(nèi)容時使用，such as是舉例。比如：

　　There are three members in my family, including my dad, mom and me.

　　People commit all kinds of crimes such as stealing, robbing and murder.

　　(2) 本段講教育程度低的人可能犯罪，但是你提到的第一個建議居然是給這些人宣傳法律讓他們害怕犯罪，這個建議似乎不太符合邏輯，應(yīng)該緊緊圍繞提高他們的教育水平，交給他們生存技能來提建議。這里的問題是思維邏輯方面的(雖然不算大錯誤，但可能會影響得分)

　　(3) 本段最后一句的表達不太地道。如果需要提出兩個方面的建議，可以使用we can do...on the one hand, and do...on the other hand這個句型結(jié)構(gòu)(請參考老雅的修改)

　　第4段

　　To sum up, I firmly believe that through these methods, the society will become more peaceful in the future.

　　老雅修改

　　To sum up, what is responsible for the increasing number of crimes includes the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty. If government takes effective measures to change the situation, I firmly believe the world will become more peaceful in the future.

　　修改說明

　　原文結(jié)尾過于倉促，沒有對原文進行恰當(dāng)?shù)目偨Y(jié)。請參考老雅修改文如何總結(jié)前面內(nèi)容的。也可以使用如下句型：

　　To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty contribute to the increasing number of crimes.

　　To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty are the two major factors behind the increasing number of crimes.

　　To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty are the two reasons why there are more and more crimes today.

　　修改后全文如下。請通讀，并對照原文，看看老雅的修改文在詞句表達方面如何更準(zhǔn)確，清晰?結(jié)尾如何總結(jié)全文內(nèi)容的?

　　Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have made greater efforts to fight crime. Now there are not only people who murder, rob or steal, but also people who commit economic crime online. There are, of course, many reasons for this negative development, but from my perspective, two of them are probably the most immediate ones. Accordingly, we can take measures to solve the problem.

　　The first reason is that many computer games or movies containing violence are available on the Internet or television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cars or banks and the players even can kill pedestrians talking with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the local governments. As a result, many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scenes in the games or movies. In this case, governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies in order to reduce the opportunities for kids to commit any crime.

　　Secondly, people who have not received good education are more likely to commit a crime such as robbing and stealing just for a living. They have no choice because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs. For this kind of people, government ought to, one the one hand, tell them that anyone who commits crimes will be punished, and on the other hand create opportunities for them to learn some survival skills to earn a living.

　　To sum up, what is responsible for the increasing number of crimes includes the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty. If government takes effective measures to change the situation, I firmly believe the world will become more peaceful in the future.

　　評分：7.5