雅思寫作的完成，不是結(jié)尾段，而是檢查，是自我批改和找他人批改，唯此寫作才可精進(jìn)。下面是小編為大家整理收集的關(guān)于雅思大作文批改實(shí)錄：網(wǎng)上交流是好是壞的相關(guān)內(nèi)容，希望對(duì)大家有所幫助。
題目
In modern society, it is possible to go shopping, work and communicate via the Internet without face-to-face contact with one another. To what extent do you think this is a positive or negative development?
學(xué)生習(xí)作
With the development of the society, Internet becoming more and more popular among people all over the world. Even in recent years, many online shopping makes people’s lives convenient in many aspects. People can go shopping, work and communicate through the Internet without face-to-face contact with others, Internet really changes people’s everyday life.
Internet connects people from all over the world. People with different culture can easily contact one another in different countries. In the past, it is extremely difficult for people in different countries to develop an international trade, they usually send letters to confirm the details about the trade and it often costs so much time and takes more inconvenience, but in recent years, with the development of the Internet, people can send an e-mail that others can receive it instantly and it totally decrease the transaction times between these two parties. In the past, we could hardly believe how people can go shopping just online, but now, it really comes true and gives more convenience to people who don’t have the time to shopping outside.
Every coin has two sides. Internet also makes people lazy. As we all know, we can do everything through the Internet so that we will not write things by hands or do something personally. Also, there are a lot of bad and harmful information on the Internet and people in lower ages may be easily affected. Even if you are not addicted to the Internet or any other technology, you may be struggling with its enticement.
As far as I’m concerned, Internet really gives more convenience to people’s everyday life, but there are also many bad things that will lure people away from morality. Therefore, people should use the Internet properly and make everything in charge.
評(píng)分：5.5
唐老雅評(píng)改
本題的核心是：網(wǎng)絡(luò)讓人們不再需要面對(duì)面交流，這在何種程度上是好事，何種程度上是壞事?這個(gè)題目不難，因?yàn)槲覀兤綍r(shí)經(jīng)常都在討論這樣的問題。網(wǎng)絡(luò)讓我們購(gòu)物、工作和交流都變得快捷簡(jiǎn)單，降低成本，提高效率，但是網(wǎng)絡(luò)也帶來了一些問題，那就是人與人之間的關(guān)系逐漸演變成人與機(jī)器之間的關(guān)系，人們的朋友越來越少，因此變得越來越孤獨(dú)。因此，這個(gè)題目需要論證的就是兩個(gè)方面(一定要圍繞網(wǎng)絡(luò)與交流之間的關(guān)系來討論)：一，網(wǎng)絡(luò)給我們的交流帶來的益處;二，網(wǎng)絡(luò)讓我們與世界失去真實(shí)的聯(lián)系，從而產(chǎn)生了一系列不良的后果。
本學(xué)生習(xí)作語言比較正確(個(gè)別地方表達(dá)不清楚)，邏輯也比較順暢。第三段論述網(wǎng)絡(luò)的壞處，但與人際交流完全沒有關(guān)系，因此嚴(yán)格地說，本段寫偏了，因此也影響了得分。
第1段：With the development of the society, Internet becoming more and more popular among people all over the world. Even in recent years, many online shopping makes people’s lives convenient in many aspects.People can go shopping, work and communicate through the Internet without face-to-face contact with others, Internet really changes people’s everyday life.
[修改] With the development of society, Internet is becoming more and more popular among people all over the world. People can go shopping, work and communicate through the Internet without face-to-face contact with others, so Internet has really changed people’s everyday life.
[評(píng)析] 本段為開頭段，先引出話題，然后重述原文觀點(diǎn)。讓老雅不解的是，為什么在引入句后寫一句 “Even in recent years, many online shopping makes people’s lives convenient in many aspects”。本題目的話題并不是專門針對(duì)online shopping，為什么要畫蛇添足這么一句?老雅建議去掉這樣的句子。另外，本段最后兩句是流水句，應(yīng)該增加連接詞。
第2段：Internet connects people from all over the world. People with different culture can easily contact one another in different countries. In the past, it is extremely difficult for people in different countries to develop an international trade, they usually send letters to confirm the details about the trade and it often costs so much time and takes more inconvenience, but in recent years, with the development of the Internet, people can send an e-mail that others can receive it instantly and it totally decrease the transaction times between these two parties. In the past, we could hardly believe how people can go shopping just online, but now, it really comes true and gives more convenience to people who don’t have the time to shopping outside.
[修改] Internet connects people from every corner of the world. People with different cultural background can easily contact one another. For example, in the past, it was extremely difficult for people of different countries to develop an international trade. At that time, they confirmed the details of their trade by sending letters to each other, which often cost much time and energy. But nowadays, with the development of the Internet, people can send e-mails that others can receive instantly so that the transaction time is significantly reduced. Decades ago, we could hardly believe that people could buy things they want online, but now, this has come true and made shopping very convenient for people.
[評(píng)析] 本段論述網(wǎng)絡(luò)給人們交流帶來的好處，主要著眼于網(wǎng)絡(luò)使人們交流更為容易，更節(jié)約時(shí)間。論證時(shí)使用了舉例法。(1)all over the world已經(jīng)在第一段中出現(xiàn)，為避免重復(fù)，改為every corner of the world，這個(gè)改動(dòng)看起來平淡無奇，但卻避免了重復(fù)，讓考官不能在這里找茬扣分。(2)...they usually send letters to confirm the details about the trade and it often costs so much time and takes more inconvenience...一句中，時(shí)態(tài)完全是錯(cuò)亂的，明明講過去(in the past)，卻一直在用一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)。老雅有時(shí)候非常不解，我們的學(xué)生為什么要這樣呢?也許答案還是要?dú)w結(jié)到漢語的影響：漢語沒有時(shí)態(tài)系統(tǒng)，這就需要我們有意識(shí)地去克服漢語語法帶來的負(fù)面作用。另外，本句平淡無奇，完全可以改換一下句型，博得考官的好印象：...they confirmed the details of their trade by sending letters to each other, which often cost much time and energy...
第3段：Every coin has two sides. Internet also makes people lazy. As we all know, we can do everything through the Internet so that we will not write things by hands or do something personally. Also, there are a lot of bad and harmful information on the Internet and people in lower ages may be easily affected. Even if you are not addicted to the Internet or any other technology, you may be struggling with its enticement.
[修改]However, while making it unnecessary for people to communicate face-to-face, Internet may also bring about some negative effects. In the first place, Internet makes people lazy. As we all know, we can do almost everything through Internet so that we do not have to write anything by hand or do anything ourselves. In fact, many of my friends now complain that they cannot spell words correctly. In addition, without face-to-face contact, many people now do not know how to make friends with others, so when they get offline, they feel they are at odds with the real world.
[評(píng)析] 本段論述網(wǎng)絡(luò)對(duì)人與人交流造成的負(fù)面影響。原文言之無物，同時(shí)還脫離了主題(網(wǎng)絡(luò)上有很多錯(cuò)誤信息與人與人交流的主題關(guān)系不大)，因此是非常失敗的一個(gè)段落。(1) 本段缺乏一個(gè)明確的主題句，應(yīng)增添上。(2)“every coin has two sides” 這樣的短語應(yīng)在雅思寫作中盡量避免，因?yàn)樗翢o新意，只能讓考官皺眉頭。
第4段：As far as I’m concerned, Internet really gives more convenience to people’s everyday life, but there are also many bad things that will lure people away from morality. Therefore, people should use the Internet properly and make everything in charge.
[修改]As far as I’m concerned, Internet does make communication among people more convenient, yet it also has the potential to prevent people from establishing real friendship and thus destroy human relationships. Therefore, we should use the Internet properly and try to bring everything under control.
[評(píng)析] 結(jié)尾段完全沒有提及題目的關(guān)鍵詞，即“交流”。
修改后全文
With the development of society, Internet is becoming more and more popular among people all over the world. People can go shopping, work and communicate through the Internet without face-to-face contact with others, so Internet has really changed people’s everyday life.
Internet connects people from every corner of the world. People with different cultural background can easily contact one another. For example, in the past, it was extremely difficult for people of different countries to develop an international trade. At that time, they confirmed the details of their trade by sending letters to each other, which often cost much time and energy. But nowadays, with the development of the Internet, people can send e-mails that others can receive instantly so that the transaction time is significantly reduced. Decades ago, we could hardly believe that people could buy things they want online, but now, this has come true and made shopping very convenient for people.
However, while making it unnecessary for people to communicate face-to-face, Internet may also bring about some negative effects. In the first place, Internet makes people lazy. As we all know, we can do almost everything through Internet so that we do not have to write anything by hand or do anything ourselves. In fact, many of my friends now complain that they cannot spell words correctly. In addition, without face-to-face contact, many people now do not know how to make friends with others, so when they get offline, they feel they are at odds with the real world.
As far as I’m concerned, Internet does make communication among people more convenient, yet it also has the potential to prevent people from establishing real friendship and thus destroy human relationships. Therefore, we should use the Internet properly and try to bring everything under control.
評(píng)分：7