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As is unfolded in the caricature(1), the pyramid was build(2) with on stone(3) accumulated. What is conveyed in the drawing is (4) most thought-provoking and worth discussing(5) among the general public, especially young people. The drawer aims to reveal symbolic meaning that accumulation is very important.
Why the accumulation is very important? (6) Below underway depict. In the first place, (7) experience is usually accumulation. In addition, (8) only the foundation to build the house. Last but not the least, we(9) knowledge is accumulated.
In terms of my personal experience, it is urgent and imperative to (10) take counter measures. If we don't pay attention to the accumulation of(11),we will not succeed. We should go to the media publicity accumulation. For another, each person should (12),foster a desirable life philosophy. If we can implement as the above mentioned, accumulation will be (13),more attention by the people.
(1)這篇不是漫畫題材,而caricature是漫畫、諷刺畫的意思。
(2)被動形式錯誤,build過去式應(yīng)為built。
(3)應(yīng)為復(fù)數(shù),stones,而且應(yīng)該把介詞on去掉。
(4)最高級要加the。
(5)名詞詞性,討論的名詞為discussion。
(6)這句話不對,一方面是語法上;另一方面是邏輯上,跟前后句內(nèi)容上連接不上。
(7)表達不明確,經(jīng)驗是靠積累來的?這樣的話應(yīng)該用被動形式。
(8)不是一句話,沒有謂語動詞。
(9)修飾名詞的應(yīng)為形容詞性物主代詞our
(10)采取措施,take counter measures是采取對抗措施,按內(nèi)容來看,這里不是采取的對抗措施。
(11)多余的介詞。
(12)短語不對,完全是中式語言。
(13)attention詞性不對,這里是想用被動形式,被大眾所關(guān)注,應(yīng)加上paid。
首段內(nèi)容上比較全面,句句之間的銜接也緊湊,寫到了圖畫本身的內(nèi)容、圖畫暗含的意思、作者欲傳達的意義;第二段內(nèi)容很顯單薄、句子之間欠缺邏輯、銜接不夠緊湊、雖然列出了三點,但每一點都只是很草草概括一下,應(yīng)該具體闡述出來,另外還需區(qū)分出圖畫含義與生活意義;第三段首句引出該段是要講述措施,但內(nèi)容上并不充實,尤其是第二句話是一句表述重要性的話,應(yīng)該在第二段出現(xiàn)。
如果作文基礎(chǔ)略差一些,需要首先保證一些簡單的語法不出錯,在此基礎(chǔ)上再進行長難句的構(gòu)造;還需要注意的是文章段落間的邏輯關(guān)系,以及句與句之間的銜接和邏輯。多讀一些優(yōu)秀范文,仿寫,并多加練習(xí),讓老師幫助修改,一定會有提高的。